mamanet16

I was going to blog today about my non jogging experience today but I came across an article about Michael Phelps and everyone looking the other way regarding his indiscretions. Well being a parent and a consumer, I am not looking the other way nor forgiving him. That is a bunch of nonsense and the people who are paying and supporting him should all speak up.  Not only does he look ridiculous as a drunk and drug addict but also as an Olympic gold medalist makes our country look like this type of behavior is acceptable. It is not acceptable yet we, as Americans, put up with it every single day from our athletes, politicians and actors. Our children look up to these people.  I can only hope and pray my children look up to someone who is worthy to be set as an example. Or at least someone not drinking and driving nor doing drugs.  I had read a quote, I don’t remember where, but it said “It takes a community to raise a child, I have seen the community and I don’t like it”.   Ok I am getting off my soap box.  

Ok I have a hard time saying that without laughing. I cannot jog to save my life. Literally I would tell a robber take my purse (and all the past due bills in there because you will find no cash) because I am not going to run. Well my significant other is jogging every day now and he is bugging me to go. So I finally agree as he keeps talking about all these eagles he keeps seeing. I know lame excuse but I like to see the eagles and wildlife for some reason this is relaxing to me. (And he knows this so there better be eagles). Anyway hopefully I will survive this jog today otherwise you will probably finding me laying on the jogging path trying to breathe. That is another problem I do not breathe correctly when I run.  There has to be some secret to breathing when you run that I just don’t know or haven’t gotten yet. My SO always tells me “you are not breathing correctly!!” Did I miss something?  I always thought it was air in and air out. Now there is a different way to breathe.   Well I am off to see the symbol of freedom or our country (Eagles) and hopefully not die of not being able to breathe correctly while running. Wish me luck or better yet say a prayer for me.

I think I have become obsessed with time.  If someone tells me to be somewhere at 2:00 I have to hurry and actually be there at 2:00. Not so with my significant other, he will arrive at the same destination at about 4:00ish. Time doesn’t have the same importance to him.  It is other hell to get him to a doctor’s appointment.  He feels he is paying the doctor and he will not wait, whether it is fifteen minutes or two hours. It is his time. Now I am not sure if it is the fact he was born and raised in Mexico where they are not as obsessed with time as we are or he just feels his time is valuable too. I wish though that I could be somewhat like this. When we were in Mexico last winter it was the most relaxing time I have ever spent.  I did not worry about what time it was and I doubt that I ever looked at a clock while there. We were not at some fancy resort but his grandparents home that was literally on the side of a mountain with barely any electricity and the running water was a stream coming down the mountain. I absolutely loved it. They ate what they grew and to go to the store was a fifteen mile hike. I appreciated every minute there and cannot wait to go back and forget about time again.

And I am freezing my booty off. It’s 12 degrees. I feel like winter will never be over. I keep looking at the sun shining outside the window and not looking at the ground with the snow covering it and pretending it is 70 and a slight breeze. HA! Off my rocker for sure.  My nephew , the other day, posted a comment on his myspace “I need some good news”.  So being his smarty pants aunt I wrote, “well you woke up today, there are only three to four more months of winter, and gas is not $4.00 a gallon.”  I got a very sarcastic thanks from him.  Well I am just very glad to see the sunshine. I feel like I have been in the darkness too long. It really is hard when you feel sad and it’s just too cold out to go for a long walk and remind yourself of the beauty of nature. I am really not a nature “freak” but when I feel down there really isn’t anything that compares. Well I suppose in just three to four more months I can go for my walk but for now I am glad to look outside and pretend.

I have realized today, of all days, that I have neither. No I’m not depressed and am still taking my medication (lol). I just realized with this new year I feel very bleak about the future.  The future of this country, the future financial system and my personal future.  I’ve been very blessed with my  boyfriend (I say this with tongue in cheek, 39 years old and 12 years into this relationship) of 12 years, my beautiful daughter and handsome and intelligent son. My son has secured an apartment to move into on Friday and has declined my help, which is just as well because I have become a nag. The kind you hope to never turn into, yep I have. I actually called to remind him that if he goes out on New Year’s not to drink and drive and be careful of other drivers. I know it didn’t sound too unreasonable at the time and I tried to sound informative. I ended up making him feel like a child (he’s 20) and as I spoke to him I realized that I sounded like a nagging fisherman’s wife. He’s not stupid and knows the consequence for drinking and driving. I just don’t get what happened to me. He (my son) doesn’t even answer the phone when I call. I know he knows it’s me because he is glued to that phone. That’s probably better for all. I guess I need to have my priority resolution be to stop nagging.

Well the news year is here. This past year has pretty much sucked. pretty much. Except for the birth of my granddaughter it has been a sad year. I lost two babies this year. I thought I could just move past it and not keep dwelling on it but that hasn’t worked.  This year I will focus on finding my Faith and Hope.

They are inducing my soon to be daughter in law. Yep with my grandchild. I am excited and scared, you’d think it was me. I am hoping and praying for a safe and healthy delivery and that all is well. Her mom and my son are with her and I promised not to show up and stand over her too. No she didn’t ask me not to come I told her I wouldn’t as I didn’t want anyone there when I went in to labor with my two kids. I just didn’t want anyone there while I was in such pain.  They still do not have an apartment they are waiting to hear from the apartments where they applied. I am praying that they get this apartment. Any apartment really. They are down to the wire and need a place to live with their lil bambino. I hope God is watching over them tonight and every-night. I will keep you all posted!

Well this is the nickname my sis has given my soon to be grandchild. Her beautiful name will be Isabella. Love it. I cannot help but be nervous for the 3 of them. The docs are going to induce her Friday evening. I know how painful this will be. My future  daughter in law is very quiet and reserved. However the pain that is involved I told my on to be careful. Those quiet ones….you never know how they will react. Just being funny. Trying to be anyway.  They still have not heard if they will have an apartment to move into after they leave the hospital. I’m hoping they do. My son wants me to be at the hospital but I cannot stay there all night. I will have to go Saturday. I know he is disappointed but I can’t bring my daughter (almost 3 year old) and be sitting for hours. Plus really do you want your mom there? I didn’t want anyone there either time. And just maybe with two recent miscarriages I feel too raw to be there. I feel selfish just feeling like this but I can’t help it. I am mostly the most unselfish person you will ever meet but this is something I am having a hard time with.  I know get over it. I’m trying!

Yep this is how I feel. Actually I’m trying to have some Christmas spirit for my 2 3/4 year old. I really do not want to celebrate Christmas this year. This has been a tough year. I lost 2 babies and my sweetie and I just aren’t doing all that great. We pretend  and we do not discuss anything that needs to be discussing. If we don’t acknowledge it then it isn’t real, right? No I am not fooling my self, I am well aware that is not true. He is a good man, please don’t get me wrong, he works hard he is faithful and a great father. I couldn’t ask for a better mate. I guess I am just being hormonal and lonely. My due date for the first pregnancy I lost is on December 24 and the second baby I just lost this past week.  And I am going to be a grandma this week. I cannot say this one saddens me but I am just not finding too much joy in anything. Well I guess I’ll just pretend to be ok and maybe I will be.

Only way to explain it. Don’t want to cry and cannot really scream and throw a tantrum. But just numb. My grandchild is due any day. Actually she’s late supposed to be here last Friday. Guess she’s not ready yet. I’m not sure here parents are either. But then again who is ready for a child. I mean, you get your things ready and such but mentally? Nope I am not sure I was ready. Some days, even 20 years late I don’t think I am ready yet. I’m not giving up on another baby. If it is meant to be I suppose it will happen.  I cannot believe that all my left over eggs are old and non viable. There has to be one or two left.  That almost sounds comical.  Oh well, I still believe and will hope that my faith doesn’t waver.

I am still in disbelief.  I was having slight spotting and went for blood work Friday. Well my hcg had done what it was supposed to (double, tripled quadrupled) my progesterone was low. Yeah a reason for spotting. Doctor put me on Progesterone tablets and spotting stopped and I should have a healthy 7 1/2 months left. And I BELIEVED.  That’s the worst part. I actually believed that I was not going to lose this baby. God was going to give me a break.  Yeah a break in my heart. again. I’m really trying not to be bitter but right now it is hard. Damn it I did everything right. I drank all that water and ate healthy. And for what? To be told I have old eggs. Thanks doc.  I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. But 3 babies? That’s enough already.  My ultrasound on Monday showed the baby hadn’t grown and no cardiac activity. I just saw the heartbeat a week ago. I suppose that’s what I get for trying to be optimistic.