mamanet16

I think I have become obsessed with time.  If someone tells me to be somewhere at 2:00 I have to hurry and actually be there at 2:00. Not so with my significant other, he will arrive at the same destination at about 4:00ish. Time doesn’t have the same importance to him.  It is other hell to get him to a doctor’s appointment.  He feels he is paying the doctor and he will not wait, whether it is fifteen minutes or two hours. It is his time. Now I am not sure if it is the fact he was born and raised in Mexico where they are not as obsessed with time as we are or he just feels his time is valuable too. I wish though that I could be somewhat like this. When we were in Mexico last winter it was the most relaxing time I have ever spent.  I did not worry about what time it was and I doubt that I ever looked at a clock while there. We were not at some fancy resort but his grandparents home that was literally on the side of a mountain with barely any electricity and the running water was a stream coming down the mountain. I absolutely loved it. They ate what they grew and to go to the store was a fifteen mile hike. I appreciated every minute there and cannot wait to go back and forget about time again.

And I am freezing my booty off. It’s 12 degrees. I feel like winter will never be over. I keep looking at the sun shining outside the window and not looking at the ground with the snow covering it and pretending it is 70 and a slight breeze. HA! Off my rocker for sure.  My nephew , the other day, posted a comment on his myspace “I need some good news”.  So being his smarty pants aunt I wrote, “well you woke up today, there are only three to four more months of winter, and gas is not $4.00 a gallon.”  I got a very sarcastic thanks from him.  Well I am just very glad to see the sunshine. I feel like I have been in the darkness too long. It really is hard when you feel sad and it’s just too cold out to go for a long walk and remind yourself of the beauty of nature. I am really not a nature “freak” but when I feel down there really isn’t anything that compares. Well I suppose in just three to four more months I can go for my walk but for now I am glad to look outside and pretend.

I have realized today, of all days, that I have neither. No I’m not depressed and am still taking my medication (lol). I just realized with this new year I feel very bleak about the future.  The future of this country, the future financial system and my personal future.  I’ve been very blessed with my  boyfriend (I say this with tongue in cheek, 39 years old and 12 years into this relationship) of 12 years, my beautiful daughter and handsome and intelligent son. My son has secured an apartment to move into on Friday and has declined my help, which is just as well because I have become a nag. The kind you hope to never turn into, yep I have. I actually called to remind him that if he goes out on New Year’s not to drink and drive and be careful of other drivers. I know it didn’t sound too unreasonable at the time and I tried to sound informative. I ended up making him feel like a child (he’s 20) and as I spoke to him I realized that I sounded like a nagging fisherman’s wife. He’s not stupid and knows the consequence for drinking and driving. I just don’t get what happened to me. He (my son) doesn’t even answer the phone when I call. I know he knows it’s me because he is glued to that phone. That’s probably better for all. I guess I need to have my priority resolution be to stop nagging.

Well the news year is here. This past year has pretty much sucked. pretty much. Except for the birth of my granddaughter it has been a sad year. I lost two babies this year. I thought I could just move past it and not keep dwelling on it but that hasn’t worked.  This year I will focus on finding my Faith and Hope.