mamanet16

They are inducing my soon to be daughter in law. Yep with my grandchild. I am excited and scared, you’d think it was me. I am hoping and praying for a safe and healthy delivery and that all is well. Her mom and my son are with her and I promised not to show up and stand over her too. No she didn’t ask me not to come I told her I wouldn’t as I didn’t want anyone there when I went in to labor with my two kids. I just didn’t want anyone there while I was in such pain.  They still do not have an apartment they are waiting to hear from the apartments where they applied. I am praying that they get this apartment. Any apartment really. They are down to the wire and need a place to live with their lil bambino. I hope God is watching over them tonight and every-night. I will keep you all posted!

Well this is the nickname my sis has given my soon to be grandchild. Her beautiful name will be Isabella. Love it. I cannot help but be nervous for the 3 of them. The docs are going to induce her Friday evening. I know how painful this will be. My future  daughter in law is very quiet and reserved. However the pain that is involved I told my on to be careful. Those quiet ones….you never know how they will react. Just being funny. Trying to be anyway.  They still have not heard if they will have an apartment to move into after they leave the hospital. I’m hoping they do. My son wants me to be at the hospital but I cannot stay there all night. I will have to go Saturday. I know he is disappointed but I can’t bring my daughter (almost 3 year old) and be sitting for hours. Plus really do you want your mom there? I didn’t want anyone there either time. And just maybe with two recent miscarriages I feel too raw to be there. I feel selfish just feeling like this but I can’t help it. I am mostly the most unselfish person you will ever meet but this is something I am having a hard time with.  I know get over it. I’m trying!

Yep this is how I feel. Actually I’m trying to have some Christmas spirit for my 2 3/4 year old. I really do not want to celebrate Christmas this year. This has been a tough year. I lost 2 babies and my sweetie and I just aren’t doing all that great. We pretend  and we do not discuss anything that needs to be discussing. If we don’t acknowledge it then it isn’t real, right? No I am not fooling my self, I am well aware that is not true. He is a good man, please don’t get me wrong, he works hard he is faithful and a great father. I couldn’t ask for a better mate. I guess I am just being hormonal and lonely. My due date for the first pregnancy I lost is on December 24 and the second baby I just lost this past week.  And I am going to be a grandma this week. I cannot say this one saddens me but I am just not finding too much joy in anything. Well I guess I’ll just pretend to be ok and maybe I will be.

Only way to explain it. Don’t want to cry and cannot really scream and throw a tantrum. But just numb. My grandchild is due any day. Actually she’s late supposed to be here last Friday. Guess she’s not ready yet. I’m not sure here parents are either. But then again who is ready for a child. I mean, you get your things ready and such but mentally? Nope I am not sure I was ready. Some days, even 20 years late I don’t think I am ready yet. I’m not giving up on another baby. If it is meant to be I suppose it will happen.  I cannot believe that all my left over eggs are old and non viable. There has to be one or two left.  That almost sounds comical.  Oh well, I still believe and will hope that my faith doesn’t waver.

I am still in disbelief.  I was having slight spotting and went for blood work Friday. Well my hcg had done what it was supposed to (double, tripled quadrupled) my progesterone was low. Yeah a reason for spotting. Doctor put me on Progesterone tablets and spotting stopped and I should have a healthy 7 1/2 months left. And I BELIEVED.  That’s the worst part. I actually believed that I was not going to lose this baby. God was going to give me a break.  Yeah a break in my heart. again. I’m really trying not to be bitter but right now it is hard. Damn it I did everything right. I drank all that water and ate healthy. And for what? To be told I have old eggs. Thanks doc.  I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. But 3 babies? That’s enough already.  My ultrasound on Monday showed the baby hadn’t grown and no cardiac activity. I just saw the heartbeat a week ago. I suppose that’s what I get for trying to be optimistic.