mamanet16

Well it has happened again. Not a miscarriage but spotting. I believe this to be nature’s way of freaking me out here and there.  I starting spotting of all days on Thanksgiving.  Ok old blood , nothing to worry about (yeah ok).  Then nothing of Friday, yippee I was happy. Then at 5:00 am Saturday morning bright red blood. Not alot but enough to make me scared . So I go to the ER and of course they do all the blood work up, pelvic exam, and ultrasound. Everyone tripping over what to say. Not wanting to sound uncaring but also to be realistic, I know my odds since I had the miscarriage in May. I just wanting to make sure of what was going on. Well I saw my lil bean on the ultrasound and he had a heartbeat. He measured right on according to my conceive date which is about a week behind the lmp due date. But I know the date the baby was conceived, not because I am a obsessive person but because it’s the only time I’ve done the deed in 2 months. So all is well so far. No explanation for the bleeding except the usual suspects, possible straining or broken blood vessel. Or the unsaid, YOU ARE JUST WORRYING YOURSELF INTO BLEEDING. Ok over exaggeration. I have much to be thankful for.

This is the mantra used my ttcam board that I am on frequently.  Since finding my positive pregnancy test I am extremely paranoid that I will lose another baby. I don’t discuss it with my dear sweetie, no I don’t want him to worry. I’ll just worry myself to death about it. People tell me to stop worrying as if this is something I enjoy. I don’t , in fact I would love more than anything to be the type of person that says screw it.  My sister and brother are like that. I keep telling myself faith over fear as if this is some magic spell that will automatically make everything ok. That and prayer. I want to believe and I want to have faith over fear. But when you are let down so many times in your life it is hard to be magically healed and become optimistic.I want my cup to be half full (not half empty) and I want to believe the God will not give me more than I can handle.

I realize times are tough. I am a stay at home mom babysitting to make ends meet. This does not mean that I am watching your child for free.  I do enjoy kids really I do. But I am doing this to be paid for my services. You go to work and drop your kid off early and pick him up late. You go to your job to be paid for your services. WELL HELLO! I am working also and need to be paid on time. Not have to remind you when pay day comes. I  am sure you do not remind your employer to pay you. And being a babysitter does not mean I can unscrew up your kid. When you let your child stay up until all hours of the night by 1:00 that kid is tired. And in my home he will take a nap. Yes “dad” was actually annoyed because his kid takes a nap. Get over it. Parents take heart your child needs your attention,not your boy/girlfriends attention. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is like at the bottom of your list, your child, who is begging for attention, is at the top of that list.  By the time this child is a teenager will be too late to “fix.” So pay attention to your kid and pay your babysitter. I have bills to pay too.

When I was a teenager I knew everything. Even if I didn’t know something I pretended I did. And that made life easier. No curve ball being thrown at me because I knew where it was coming from and who sent it. Sometimes I wish I could regain some of that confidence or ignorance. I got pregnant with my son when I was 19 years old. I was not scared about the pregnancy and not even scared about taking care of him.  I ate what I wanted and I gained a mere 24 pounds. I know awesome. Mind you I am no skinny minny I was pretty much a size 14-16 my entire life. No matter what diet I went on and how much I exercised this is about the weight I remained. Until 2005 when I went on the atkins diet and lost a tons and got down to a size 12. Sometimes a 10.  I liked these numbers. Then I got pregnant with my daughter and she was a twin (I lost the other twin) but I took to heart eating for 3 and gained 90 pounds. Ouch. I know. My body hated me and I didn’t particularly like it. But I had my daughter and breast fed for awhile then went back on the Atkins and lost 110 pounds. I lost like a person. Did great. Until I got pregnant again and immediately gained 25 pounds. And then lost the baby. Well I didn’t feel like going on a diet and I didn’t care if I was chunky or plain old fat. Until like July this year, got the ball rolling again lost 10 pounds and BAM pregnant again. So far I have gained 10 pounds. Well to be fair I do have to eat carbs. So I know that I would gain some right away. Well I will just eat as healthy as possible and hope for the best. There’s always the Atkins after I have the baby. 

I truly wish kids came with a owner’s manual. Really. At what age can you say “look buddy get your act together and grow up, I’m not going to baby you anymore.”  And then you just do it. hahaha I guess that’s my problem, I’ve told my 20 year old son that for years. But to do it…It’s not like I am supporting him, financially but emotionally jeeez that is more taxing. Yesterday he asks if he can borrow $20.00, sure, I know “borrow” means I will never see it again. But, ok $20.00 for gas to get to work, fine. He comes over with his new used car he bought. So I go out and check it out. No oil on the stick. I’m like”son, you are out of oil.” He says “I cannot afford oil right now.”  Ok, what? Are you serious? I tell him, you realize that the engine will not run without oil. Yep he knows. No, I tell him, seriously it will not run, you will blow it up. So I get him some oil. I put it in the car. I check the oil again. Then I start the car and it says low coolant. Ok he says oh that light came on , on the way over. At this point I let out the biggest and loudest sigh that I have available.  I put in coolant. And he’s off. And I am so thankful that he is leaving. Now, I do feel guilty for saying that but it is exasperating everytime he comes over.  I love my son really I do. I know there are some out there that would say let him blow up the car, it’s a valuable lesson. But I worry about him walking the 5 miles to work. It wasn’t so bad in the summer although it isn’t safe for my son to walk anywhere because of gangs wanting to kill him (a whole other story).  I go back into the house and once again pray for my child. I find that I do that alot. And I do wonder if God is up there thinking ‘here she is again praying for her son to grow up, act responsible, be safe, find an apartment, treat his pregnant girlfriend right and support his pending family, stop making stupid choices, not get killed, pay his bills, be healthy, talk nicely.’  My list to God goes on and on. It’s not that I didn’t teach my son these things HE JUST DOESN’T DO IT!

My son and his girlfriend are expecting a baby on December 12. They are 19 and 20 and both working, my son is working 2 jobs and she is working 1. They are trying so hard to save and earn enough money for an apartment. They just bought a used car. I try to give him money here and there but it just isn’t enough. I know he has make so many stupid choices and such but they are trying so hard it just breaks my heart that they cannot get a break. I don’t care about him living the high life just being able to have a home and car to get him to work. And just maybe buy groceries in these hard times. Any prayers and well wishes would be greatly appreciated. I  have prayed so much.

Ok all the drama with the OB office as to sending me to collection for a $2.00 copay then they disengaged  me from their practice and then our of the goodness of their hearts took me back (this said quite sarcastically). As if they are doing me a favor. Anyway I call their office to make an appointment and since I had a previous miscarriage Dr Kaczmierak wanted to do immediate blood work up to make sure this lil babe is sticking. Now I happened to loved his doctor he was gentle and kind. The office well that’s another story.  So I get a call back and they inform me that the doctor is not taking any new ob patients with my insurance, I say I’m not new, she says “yeah but this pregnancy is new and we aren’t taking you.”  Nice. Real flipping nice. So not only am I hormonal as hell but this woman is mocking me.  I gave her a polite piece of my mind, meaning I didn’t swear or scream (although I wanted to).  I believe I got my  thoughts across. If not, here they are: I’m not an Insurance, I am a person. I pay my bills and I demand some respect and to be treated right. You are actually employed by me and if their are no patients then you are unemployed.  And lastly: Karma is a bitch, what comes around goes around.

I worked for a doctor for 10 years and we never ever treated a patient wrongly. If we even had a problem or were the slightest bit rude we were in trouble. The doctor was the boss. That being said maybe the doctor wasn’t as kind and gentle as I thought. Needless to say I have found another doctor and the office is very respectful and nice. I haven’t met the doctor yet but if the office staff is any indication of the doctor then I will be happy for the next nine months.

Well I finally got my positive pregnancy test after my miscarriage in May 2008. Now I am as nervous as can be. But I am so happy. A July baby. Yippee! I have read about women complaining (already) about how hot it will be.  Bring it on. I just feel so blessed that even a little heat won’t even matter. I guess when you have something and you lose it it makes you appreciate it so much more when it comes again.  And I am feeling it that is for sure. We weren’t really trying, in fact we hadn’t even discussed it until the actual day I ovulated. We were talking and he said I guess you don’t want anymore and I said of course I do, I thought you didn’t want anymore. He said you don’t know what I want, this is a very true statement as he is not the type of person to wear his heart or feelings on his sleeve. I said well today is the day and if God is ready so am I. And here it is!!   I am so Blessed!